I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
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“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space