me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
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I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
step 6: release the wall snake
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both