“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
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[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries