90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
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6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food