@jazmasta: I didn't realise you spelled your name with a "ph", Steve. My apologies, Pheven.
@Kyle_Lippert: The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said "Flawless Victory!"
@smedlee: If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake
@ItMightBeJim: Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.
Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
@riley_fox: 2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers