I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
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Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Kermit goes Blue.