Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
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ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.