I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
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New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!