I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
You Might Also Like
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Brands during Pride
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where