I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
You Might Also Like
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
…..pretty much.