@poizngrl: I didn't see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I'm the only one with brown eyes in the family
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@KeetPotato: "dont get conned into spendin our lottery money" i wont [calls wife back] will 2 sharks fit in our pool? "NO" ok [to salesman] one shark pls
@Sadieisonfire: I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I'm getting the geniuses texting me
@BlindChow: Your honor, may I approach the bench? "You may." *walks up to bench* *boops judge's nose*
@AlexvanBeek: When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.