adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
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If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
dictator is short for richard potato
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.