I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
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when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.