GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
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Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.