I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
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I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”