@AaronFullerton: I didn't see San Andreas because I heard there's not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, "It's not your fault."
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@: *robbing a bank* 6-year-old: dad, take that stocking off. There's only about 80 cents in this piggy bank.
@OneFunnyMummy: Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they're building... Me: what a great place to bury a body!
@funflaps: wicked witch: I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too john wick: *blushing* you think i'm pretty?
@man_spach: The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.