I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
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[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
mood
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Happy Febuary everyone!
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?