I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
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Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.