I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
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Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.