I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
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“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning