I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
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Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.