What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
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I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.