I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
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How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
#oldknees
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…