I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
You Might Also Like
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
*praying for world peace*
God:
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
When the stylist spins you back around
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.