I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
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“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.