*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
You Might Also Like
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.