I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
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The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”