I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
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I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.