I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
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One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
My patronus is a cheeseburger
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.