I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
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i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?