I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
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The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?