I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
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Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!