I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
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Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Thursday Thought.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.