*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
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4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.