I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
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Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*limbos away from your hug*
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck