I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
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my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Pretty certain I can more drunk
synchronized noseblowing
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol