If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
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Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Social Media and Real life
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick