JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
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I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”