Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
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I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.