I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
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The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
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Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.