I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
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my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips