“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
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Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
If only.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.