@motrboatr: I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.
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@SondraDeeMe: [in bed] BF: Why are you scared? ME: Cuz your Mom's here BF: She's not bad *Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
@eminmien: My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don't know what to think.
@sammyrhodes: Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.
@longwall26: Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you're murdered your chalk outline won't just be the same old boring shit.