United Steaks of America
You Might Also Like
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My guardian angel deserves a raise
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.