[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
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[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs