Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
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Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.