Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
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My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?