I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
You Might Also Like
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”