I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
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If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.