I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
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Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day