I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?