“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
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eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.