I…do not understand how electricity works.
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My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.