I…do not understand how electricity works.
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I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
kitchen magnet
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.